You know what to do.

Nah i’m not paying $15

Yah so first of all I made this screen white to hurt your eyes. Look, this domain edwin.pizza costs $40 per year, which is half as much as I pay for edwin.xxx but still like 2–4 pizzas worth of cash. I’m charging $15 for a medium cheese. That’s a pretty good deal b/c I’m paying the tax and tip myself, and I live in Brooklyn which means pizza costs like $30. Plus integrating this payment stuff is hard.

What will you do for me?

At first I thought I’d let people make a delivery order to my apartment, any time of the day — it was gonna be a social experiment like jennicam. But that’s crazy so instead the money just goes into my bank account (lol.)

Wait what?

I’ll buy a whole cheese pizza that costs around $15 ASAIC (as soon as is convenient), then I’ll post pics or vids of me eating it on this website. Maybe I’ll send you a funny email, maybe I’ll post a review — the possibilies are endless and I think you and I are the right team to figure it out.

Where would you get it?

Please stop asking me questions and just buy the pizza.

C’mon

The best place used to be Pauline and Sharon’s, but then one time they took an hour and a half to deliver so I put them on the universal shit list. Did you know they charge like $3 more for all their pizzas on Seamless? I recently created a Domino’s easy order which means I can get a pizza delivered with a tweet, so I may use them, but yeah it really depends, why don’t you buy me a pizza and find out.

I’m still not paying $15

First let’s both acknowledge that you didn’t read that.

My final offer is $12.

No

These are all the people who bought me pizza.

#17. Andrew Oppeneer & Draeger Gillespie

First I’d like to thank Calvin for this Pizza Man pin, I often think of myself as a pizza man, it’s very important to me.

Second I’d like to thank Brad, Max, and Michael for agreeing to be in my video and playing a live accompaniment. I’d also like to thank Max individually for letting me know that one of my house plants is actually edible — when you walked into my apartment and immediately began eating one of my plants, I was at first offended, but I’m now delighted to know it tastes kinda like an apple. Jillian has so far refused to try this.

For this video I bought three 18” plain pizzas from Giardini — one for the crew and two for the video. Eating two pizzas was a big mistake. I felt very sick after this video. I will never do this again. If you count slices you can tell that I ate one whole 18” pizza between the two pies, and if you watch very closely, you can tell that I didn’t drink anything the entire time — this too was a big mistake.

My Facebook live setup is very primitive — just a phone on a cheap tripod. While we were on the bed, we had no idea how many people, if any, were watching, what the shot looked like, or how long the video had been going. We all sat down around my TV after the show and watched the entire video — then we watched videos of jungle animals encountering a large mirror:

My next pizza will have to be relaxing. Maybe I’ll eat a very small pizza on a beach with a milkshake.

#16. Aaron Tenbuuren

Aaron and I met for the first time during our freshman year, when we lived on the same floor of Melvin Hall, but we began to get to know each other in Type 1, where I would consistently get more compliments from the teacher than him — we sat side by side and the damage to his ego is what finally led him to agree to live with me.

Aaron lived in a small studio apartment during our third year of college, I first saw it at his cat Mowgli’s first birthday party. I lived in a two bedroom apartment three blocks away. We got a place together roughly in the middle — on move in day we rolled all our possessions downhill on a small caddy. It took 16 hours.

The two best pizza spots near our apartment were Il Mondo and Penguin Pizza — Penguin is the origin of my zero tolerance “no leaves” policy. Penguin puts huge basil leaves over their pies and it doesn't make sense — walk through these options with me: do they want me to bite into a leaf? Do they think it changes the flavor or looks good? It looks like a damp leaf, which I must carefully pick up with the tips of my fingers to avoid removing cheese. I would always specify "no leaves.”

When I asked if Aaron had any requests for this pizza he said:

  • Large cheese, no leaves
  • Ranch
  • Chocolate milk for beverage
  • Ambient lights
  • Grant MacDonald

That’s how you know we lived together.

Unfortunately I forgot to do 4/5 requests, and forgot to text Aaron when I started the fb live broadcast, which he missed…

Shit.

#15. Wylie Conlon

I send an email to whoever buys me pizza. When Wylie made a purchase I sent one with the subject: “Thank you for your $100 pizza purchase commitment” which I thought was pretty funny. I also kept telling him he’d receive a “communique” the night I ate the pizza, which was not as funny but still made me laugh.

Life has been simple lately so I decided to spice things up and eat Wylie’s pizza outside of my home. I took the train to Columbus Circle after work and met up with Jillian — we walked through Central Park, exiting around The Frick Collection, and headed towards Lexington for the subway. Turns out there are no good pizza places near the park. When Jillian and I were in school together we were always meeting around the city: a coffee shop in the North End, a bookstore near Harvard, the 7/11 at Brigham Circle; now we always meet at our apartments, so it was nice to change things up.

Normally it’s quiet between 5th and Lexington but there were lots of people running past us — first I thought nothing of it, then I figured they were running to catch a bus that had just passed through the intersection, then as we all stood together waiting to cross, I saw it on everyone’s phones — it was Pokemon Go.

I learned about Pokemon runs from this video — this night wasn’t quite as chaotic, but people were still biking, skateboarding, and running across three avenues (I never found out which Pokemon they were after.) At Lexington all the sprinters quietly huddled together with their friends, loitering outside restaurants, staring at their phones and laughing.

We got on the subway and headed to Joe’s Pizza near Union Square.

#14. Ali Ukani

I’ve been a little slow in writing these posts lately, so when I go back and watch the pizza time-lapse for Ali, it’s kinda like watching it for the first time. Two very important things stand out to me: demanding no leaves be placed over your pizza, and using an adequate ice cream spoon.

Take a look at those massive leaves all over the pizza. Disgusting, soggy leaves. There are some who claim it adds flavor but I don’t see how that’s possible, especially considering the cheese and sauce are quite overpowering. At best the leaves are an annoyance which must be removed before enjoying your meal, and at worst they subtract from the amount of cheese on the slice. I’ll even go as far as to specify “no leaves” when I order from a known offender, but unfortunately Table 87 got the best of me.

Anyways, about ice cream spoons. I live pretty close to an IKEA, which is great for an out-of-college apartment since I had to buy everything from towels to silverware when I moved to New York. IKEA is interesting because a lot of the customers are there to get stuff for their newborns and toddlers, so you can see the demographics of who in Brooklyn is having kids. Unfortunately these kids are bound to discover what I did: IKEA spoons suck. When you try to drive an IKEA spoon into some fresh-from-the-freezer ice cream and then pull it out, the spoon bends — the ice cream is stronger than the spoon!

After months of hardship and ice cream fasting I decided to spend some serious cash on a few very high quality ice cream spoons — I went to Muji. Muji is interesting because it’s an amazing paradise on earth, where the bedding is comfier than is physically possible and the unassuming tables are $800. Muji sells silverware a la carte and they happen to have unbreakable spoons that are at least three times as thick as IKEA’s but also $5 each — you can see one of these spoons in the video — watch how easily I slice through the cream.

#13. Jeff Dlouhy

It was gorgeous outside today. When I walk to work I cross exactly three streets, and it takes me around three minutes, which doesn’t leave much time for admiring the weather. When I left the office slightly after sunset I felt a bit depressed by missing such a day — had I still been a student in Boston, I might have taken the train to a quiet spot near the water to relax and spend some time thinking about things and imagining things, I did that often, usually in the same quiet spot on the same wharf — instead, since I’m an adult now, I went to the bar of an ice cream shop and ordered a single scoop of chocolate in a cup.

The first time I met Jeff was in the Computer Science lab in West Village H at Northeastern, the one on the ground floor; I was with my friend Zane — Zane and I have the same birthday and lived on the same floor in Melvin Hall — we were both freshman and Jeff was known for trying to meet interesting freshmen. Jeff approached us as we worked on homework and quickly added us on Facebook via his iPhone as soon as he learned our names — this was two years after the iPhone came out but I still thought they were fancy.

Jeff took me to the South End for the first time that Spring, to Flour Bakery at 8am — they were famous for sticky buns and used to run out of them early. I hadn’t really gone anywhere in the Fall because I was getting used to college, and I didn’t go anywhere in the winter because it was dark and cold all the time, so this was among the first times I had really left campus and behaved like an individual. I had class later in the day and remember being shocked by the suggestion of waking up early, but it was worth it.

I enjoyed the walk and the neighborhood so much that I went on the exact same walk at least five times in the next few weeks, by myself and sometimes with girls from my dorm. As years went by Jeff took me to my first club (Machine and later Club Cafe), to my first restaurant dinner in Boston (Sonsie), to Toscanini for the first time, on my first sailing trip in the Charles, to my first MIT party, probably to Harvard for the first time, and likely many more things which I can’t remember.

When we talked about technology and startups Jeff always seemed to personally know the people involved, so it was inevitable for him to move to San Francisco after graduating. He kept extending invitations to visit, but I was too nervous about spending money and taking time off from a new co-op to plan a trip. After my 21st birthday, I finally booked it, and I enjoyed it so much that I’ve been going every year since.

As another first tonight I created my Domino’s pizza profile. Turns out I could have been getting even more free pizza this entire time. When I ordered I noticed a new drop-down menu (which is not new at all) below the Pizza Tracker which I love so much — it was the “encouragement menu”, which contained a list of some nice and some slightly strange sentences that somehow get broadcast to the people making your pizza — the future is amazing.

#12. Milan Moffatt

I never wake up early, I don’t take advantage of my late-start benefit. Every day that I wake up at 9:30am is wasted. New York is special in the morning, and there’s so much more activity in Manhattan than Carroll Gardens.

Yesterday I woke up at 6:40am to take a sunrise walk through Central Park. The trains run fast in the morning so it only took me 30 minutes to get there — I exited the Columbus Circle station to sun rays and 65 degrees, one of the first beautiful spring mornings. At 8:50am, after walking around for an hour and posting some ’grams, I exited the park and began walking down 5th towards the Rockefeller F station, knowing I had to take the train by 9:45am to be at work on time.

As I approached the Microsoft store I remembered a month previous when I had gone in and seen someone trying the HTC Vive demo. I didn’t try it then because there was an hours-long line of people on a waitlist, but at 9:00am the store had just opened, and there were literally 0 customers inside. I asked them to setup the demo and they began to boot everything up for me.

Soon I was strapped in and standing underwater on a boat, batting at schools of small fish swimming around my head. The Vive has "room scale" VR means you can walk around in a fairly large space and move within the virtual world — your headset and controllers are tracked with millimeter precision. I was walking around, crouching to inspect details, leaning over railings. The underwater demo ends with a huge blue whale swimming up beside you and taking a moment to look you over before it bats its tail to swim away— it’s awe inspiringly huge, and VR makes it possible to feel that. (video of this demo)

The second demo was a shooter game, where one hand was a shield and another was a gun. I was ducking behind my shield, looking forward while I shot sideways over my shoulder, crouching to avoid fire — the whole thing was intuitive and it turns out I’m not a great shot. (video of this demo, including showing the person using the Vive)

The last demo was a 3D painting application where I painted with light and smoke and 3D oils. It was pretty fun but slightly boring compared with the shooter. I so badly want this thing in my apartment but the cost is so steep, I can see it going the way of Segway.

Ok so back to pizza. This is gonna be the first pickup-order pizza — gotta save that money since this is a $12 buy (no shade.) Milan told me she likes the grandma slice, so I called up Cotta Bene and ordered a medium grandpa slice… close enough, and it has vodka sauce which I might like even more than ranch. There’s this pizza place called Bay Ridge Pizza which has a preeeetty bad yelp rating but amazing vodka pizza. Every time I go to Bay Ridge I eat there — they cover the entire pie in a layer of vodka sauce, and then completely seal it in with a layer of mozzarella. There’s one younger guy working there who always gets shit from the older guys, I feel bad for him but Jillian insists he’s “weird.”

Now as I understand it, one of the defining features of the grandparent pizza is being square and having fluffier dough. When I called they said "it’s not square ok?" I said ok and they hung up without asking for my name or giving me a wait time. K.

When I arrived 10 mins later they handed me their normal medium vodka pizza — so I guess the medium grandpa is actually not a grandpa at all. The pizza was also cold. Ugh, fuck Cotta Bene. I had this memory of eating a Cotta Bene grandpa slice at a party but it must have been another place.

They are now on my shit list. I’m tired and hungry and mad, they were rude on the phone, their grandpa pizza is the same as their vodka pizza (but listed as two separate items on seamless), it’s listed at $13.95 on seamless but somehow cost $15 in cash, and it’s cold. I need to send this info out to blogs. Wait I take back my price complaint I just checked the receipt and it was 13.95. But still fuck them.

At least I got to wear my pizza sweatshirt which is a gift from my sister. Thanks Anna!

#11. Chris Hunt

Chris told me his favorite pizza was some kind of “meat on cheese” well that’s just great Chris because now I’m gonna spend more than $15 but I’ll do it for you. Chris and I just met, we’re working on a podcast website together. Chris bought me this pizza within five minutes of meeting me and that makes me feel pretty.

This pizza is $18 which is actually less than I’ve spent on Domino’s before so I should be fine with it, but something about paying with cash makes it more painful. But don’t feel bad Chris, you went with the full $15 option and I appreciate that. Even if you didn’t realize there was a $12 option which I know you didn’t because we were on a video call together when you bought the pizza and I asked you why you bought the $15 pizza and you were like “what do you mean.” Is that a dark pattern?

It’s currently 20:21 which is pretty late, and yeah I use 24 hour time but it’s not pretentious or anything let me explain: I used to live in a windowless room in a two bedroom apartment (windowless bedrooms are technically illegal because they only have one entrance/exit which is bad for fires, but this apartment also had a back “den” room connected to the other bedroom, and I think that that was technically the other bedroom and I lived in a technical giant closet, but realistically everyone would call my room the other bedroom) and I would (you still with me?) and I would wake up in total darkness e.g. can’t see your own hand — being a student, I often went to bed at weird hours like 7pm after not sleeping for several days; once I woke up at 9:00, and if you look at your iPhone you’ll notice it doesn’t say AM or PM, so I thought 9:00am and freaked out and burst out of my room in a panic only to find my roommate watching a movie on the couch at 9:00pm two hours after I went to sleep, so now I use 24 hour time. Anyways it’s pretty late and I’m REAL hungry so hopefully this pizza arrives quickly. I also just had a manic cleaning episode and breathed in some heavy bleach fumes (btw to spell check bleach I just opened Siri on my phone and said “BLEACH” which would be weird to watch someone do) and my fingers smell like bleach, which probably means I shouldn’t be eating food with my hands.

Not to bring it up three times but this $18 thing is a little annoying, you see, I’ve got a $20, two $10s, and five $1s. Now, I’d like to get rid of these $1s, but it’s not gonna make sense if I give the delivery guy two $10s and five $1s, I’ve gotta give him two $10s and one or two $1s. If this were a $13 pizza (the price of the plain) then I could just dump all my tiny $1s on him. Also, in New York it’s called a plain — I learned this on a pizza tour I took the other week — all pizza has cheese on it — but you know I take issue with that, cause while the cheese may be un-removable from the pizza, it’s still a topping. Also note that people don’t say “plain” when they order a burger, they say a “burger”, or a “cheese burger” which is kinda like listing all the ingredients in the burger even though the burger part is unremovable. Maybe people should say “pepperoni cheese” or “sausage cheese and sauce.” Anyways the pizza tour was great, I expected to hit up a couple good slice places, but instead I learned the entire history of pizza in Italy and America, and my guide was an actual comedian.

It’s been an hour. Hour and 15 mins now. Will this be the first pizza where I call to ask about my order? Much like the crossing signal button, it has no effect but it’s the only thing I can do. The only time that calling is actually useful is when it’s the worst news: they forgot about your order and haven’t even started yet. Pauline and Sharon’s is 1.4 miles away and it’s been 1.4 hours since I ordered, so it’s possible that my pizza was made and dispatched immediately, but the delivery person is walking, and only at ~1mph.

Ok I called: “I ordered a sausage an hour and a half ago” — when your statement is immediately answered with “oh he’s on his way” without asking for your address or name, the placebo effect doesn’t work. I will die tonight. I will die. I want to eat the hot dogs in my fridge but I’ve already started this journal.

I hear a moped motor stopping outside. Ye boi!! That took an hour and 40 minutes. It is incredibly greasy from the meat. Wow. Here I go. There’s a weirdly small amount of cheese on this. Ok here I go for real see you in the video bye.

#10. Ilan Zechory

I’m sitting at my table with a tab open to the Domino’s pizza builder. Jillian is rolled up in a blanket on the couch waiting for me to finish ordering the pizza, but I’m responding to an email from Tom about Star Wars. I love the pizza builder — after 5 or 6 steps of tedious customization, bargaining, and second-guessing, I end up with a normal cheese pie… I wonder if this says something about me.

They’re really pushing extra cheese. In the final steps of ordering, after passing on the extra cheese checkbox, they prompt you with a popup: “are you sure you don’t want extra cheese?”

The pictures they use to visualize your custom pizza are so unappealing — if I add mushrooms, they overlay the same poorly photoshopped image of a mushroom, rotated 3 different ways, across the surface of the fake looking pizza. How hard would it be to photograph 100 different pizza variations? Probably hard, idk man I’m not a food expert and I guess Domino’s pizzas usually look gross even though they’re godly.

I wonder if they developed this website in-house or through an agency… what if I left Genius to work on the Domino’s website, I don’t think anyone could be mad at me.

I am still customizing the pizza. Jillian thinks a cheddar topping will be gross but i disagree, so I’m getting it on half (post-eating note: it was great.) I’m on the checkout screen now and even though I just went through a whole pizza customization thing, they’re showing me a generic thumbnail image for my pizza order, and it has pepperoni on it! Why.

I don’t know how I can rank hearing Pete The Pizzamaker’s first utterance of “Allllllright” in the pizza tracker — I’ve built up a pavlovian response. My order has officially been placed. It’s gonna be 11pm before i’m eating pizza. Jillian is passively mad.

Sabrina put my pizza in the oven very quickly. Thank you Sabrina. Sorry you have to work Sunday night Sabrina. She’ll never know that I know her name, and what she’s doing and where she is right now. Why does Domino’s put the name of the pizza people at the bottom of this thing. Yi is now driving the pizza to me.

I’ve been watching videos on Japanese androids for the last few minutes. They love a good android over there. Please watch this from 0:25—0:38, the part where they cut to the dislodged face skin of the repurposed sex robot:

We are in the 20th minute of waiting, send help. I’ve been occupying myself by laughing at this video for the past 5 minutes straight:

Notes

  • I tried the twitter order and it’s not as was advertised :( It’s not easy if I have to sign up for a pizza profile first!

#9. Sonny Romeo

I have successfully seeded the Genius community. The process of getting this pizza was amazing — I didn’t have to do anything. I rolled out a few upgrades to the chat feature on Genius, and in the announcement thread, ScopeY said “edwin deserves a pizza”, Slick said “I’d buy you a pizza m8”, night pool pasted the link to this website, and then Slick actually bought me the pizza.

A nice little bonus on top of my salary — maybe I could become a full-time Muk-bang star like that one Korean kid. I think the key to something like that is frequency, you’ve gotta broadcast at least once a day to gain any kind of traction or people will forget about you. Pewdiepie uploaded a video every day and now uploads 3 or 4 per day (with the help of others.) Although I could just end up like TheReportOfTheWeek guy with a mediocre number of views on lots of videos.

I wonder if Slickk is mad at me about the new song page.

I’ve ordered this pizza and now every time I hear a moped outside I salivate. I’m passing the time watching this thing called Ballet 422 and I don’t know how I feel about ballet but I am now positive that old iOS interfaces date a movie instantly. This guy Justin Peck is some kind of ballet choreography prodigy but he’s ending every sentence of feedback with “I don’t know” when he talks to the dancers. Justin went up to the costume designer and the designer asked what kind of shoes he should make — Justin said “that’s up to you” and the designer said “we’ll ask the girls”… bruh.

I’m gonna try using hyperlapse for the recording this time — it’s crazy how little control the iOS time-lapses give you. The Hyperlapse logo is a ring with a gradient going through it — all their other apps like “layout” do the same thing with other basic shapes, and I think the system is trying so hard to be minimalist that it misses being distinctive. The hyperlapse logo looks almost exactly like the Smart Things logo and neither even gesture towards what the app does.

OMG it’s been 45 mins wtf I need the pizza tracker. I’d pay the delivery man $10 if he shared his location with me for the next hour.

Back to this ballet thing. Are conductor hand movements helpful or is the guy just moshing up there? Ok I read a thing about this and apparently the movements are somewhat helpful — the volume etc. of the various parts of the orchestra can be adjusted live.

AN HOUR? IT’S BEEN AN HOUR WHY. Ok nvm the pizza just came.

#8. Mat Brown

Two months is too long. Maybe I should shut this thing down. The pizzas weigh on me, I am weary.

I work with Mat and today is a weekday, which means I’m forgoing eating dinner with Mat, to eat a pizza that he bought for me (alone.)

There’s a new video buzzer system in my building (I used to have a non-functioning buzzer) and I’m not exactly sure how to use it. This is my chance. There are 4 buttons and 3 knobs. The 2 large buttons are clearly “hang up” and “open door” but the other two are just labeled “1” and “2” and they don’t seem to allow me to talk… The knobs are for “volume”, “brightness”, and “music symbol” which seems to indicate that I should be able to hear/speak through the thing.

WOAH No joke I just started to figure this out while holding my phone and typing this note. Seems like holding down “2” activates the camera. Pressing the hang up button turns the audio on (receiving), so I guess it’s just a “phone” button and not a hangup button. “1” still seems to do nothing. To turn the thing off, it seems like you have to press the phone button and then hold down 2. As I’m testing this thing I can see people walking by my building — funny because the camera activates a very bright LED array whenever it’s on. I wonder if those people can hear me…

Ok you don’t need to hold 2, you just need to press it. Man I need a manual. I found one online but it’s a wiring guide for the whole system. Ok the 2 button is the “cut off button” and 1 is the “intercom button” according to a new manual I found, so maybe 1 is supposed to let me speak. I feel like my buttons are wired incorrectly.

Damn, well, the delivery guy called me.

Man this time lapse is a little too fast, I need to use hyper lapse next time. I took the trash out and changed into pants and everything and you can barely tell.

Just remembered I ate pizza for lunch today too.

#7. Joel Oliveira

Joel I totally forgot to take pizza notes when I ate this pizza. I am sorry. But it was my first in-the-wild edition of pizza timelapses. I did have an idea though that I wrote down: for a tech-heavy version of buy.edwin.pizza, I could wear a go-pro strapped to my head and film my pizza-eating from the first person.

I also feel a little bad Joel because I ate this pizza in Boston and you live in Boston, so it’s like… why didn’t I eat this pizza *with* you? And that’s fair, and I probably should have, but I also had a very strict schedule of playing GTA V with my old roommate that I had to keep (and this restaurant was only a block away.)

#6. Ben Orenstein

Ho boy I’m back on the horse. It’s been like 2 weeks since I ate any pizza, and I have three orders in my backlog. I’ve been bad.

So much on my mind: how can I spice things up so people don’t lose interest, how can I redesign the site to accommodate “stories” and notes like this one. Should I film myself eating in a restaurant? Should I attempt to eat two pizzas at once? Should I add an element out of my control???

Anyways I’ve decided to answer none of these questions and just do the same thing I’ve done each time so far: order from the cold phone-answering-man at Pauline and Sharon’s (I put their contact info in my phone) and record myself from the top of my bookshelf.

This one is from my bro Ben Orenstein. He even bought the $15 version. Funny thing about this one though: I asked Ben to tweet about my website — it was national cheese pizza day and I wanted to do a media push, so I texted some friends to help me promote. The first friend I contacted did tweet about it, but texted me 10 minutes later saying “not a lot of action yet, feeling kind of exposed.” Ben *didn’t* tweet about it, but did buy me a pizza. Feels somewhat like a pity-buy, but I’m down for free pizza regardless.

You know I was probably gonna do this last week, but I dropped my phone into the toilet (texting while peeing, very dangerous), and when you don’t have a phone (or an apartment buzzer) it’s basically impossible to get pizza delivery.

If my tweet plan had worked and I had gone viral and gotten 100 orders, you think people would be mad if I arranged some large pizza party and ate only a single bite from each pizza? I seems like it would violate the rules, so maybe I should change the rules.

I wonder how Ben feels about ranch.

You know there’s this pizza place near me called Giardini’s or something and I got delivery from those guys when I first moved in. I was unimpressed and never ordered again, but I walked by there the other day and it looked so classic: the counter, the big red coke machine, the $5 special posters, the menu with white movable letters. I gotta eat there in-person.

This pizza was delivered in only 32 minutes!

I need to send Hidden Valley a complaint about this applicator malfunction. I’m sitting here pouring ranch dollops onto my plate like an idiot. I need precision.

I was trying to switching things up this time, so I took a slow-motion video of myself eating a slice of pizza — I’ve been taking fast, far-away videos for too long. Unfortunately it turned out incredibly disgusting, much more so than the intentional level of disgusting, and I don’t think any of my friends would want to stay friends with me if I posted it online. I look like a child molester.

#5. Chris Clark

Ok things are a little different this time: gonna order from Domino’s (had to look up whether that apostrophe is part of the official spelling.) I don’t have any cash and their “online order timeline” thing is too amazing to pass up. Probably gonna get extravagant here and spend like $25 because you can’t order from Domino’s and not get cinnasticks.

It’s raining though so I feel a little bad for the delivery guy.

Almost made a pizza profile.

I have the Domino’s tracker open in an inactive tab and I started doing other stuff. Very terrifying to hear a random “ALRIGHT! YOUR PIZZA IS NOW IN THE OVEN” in the voice of Pete The Pizzamaker when you don’t expect it.

Been in “quality check” for almost 20 minutes. What is wrong with my pizza.

Decided to switch to the tropical order tracker theme. Now a parrot tells me “We be quality checking your order man, and it be looking soon good.”

The three-quarter mark of waiting for a pizza is truly one of the deepest despairs. Anticipation and hunger are at level 10, hope at level 0.

Ok he came in an Acura so I don’t feel too bad.

I ordered TWO cinnastick sauces but only got ONE. WTF!!!!! Now I’m never making a pizza profile.

#4. Sam Balinghasay

I was out sick from work today so ordering pizza is probably not a good idea.

I’ve been thinking I should film myself eating in more interesting locations, or at least eating pizza from somewhere other than Pauline and Sharon’s. That makes my life so much more difficult though.

James said “I like how you’ve created this problem for yourself.” It’s true, I’ve basically created a public todo list that people can pay to use. And the todo is only one thing. And I get to choose when to do it. Ok maybe it’s not so bad.

I wonder what I’ll do this Labor Day weekend. Probably nothing exciting. I read this piece in the NYTimes the other day that said something like “procrastinators tend not to go on vacation because they avoid planning things” — seems to describe my vacation aversion pretty well.

It’s been 32 minutes which means I have a 50/50 chance of getting my pizza RIGHT NOW or getting it in another 30.

I have no ranch left. I can’t believe I done this.

I have to leave my house which negates the entire point of getting delivery.

Oh wait no I have a little left. Nvm.

#3. Ben Whitla

MY THIRD PIZZA! I think I’m gonna burn out soon, or at least stop thinking of things to write about. I should do something other than a time-lapse for this pizza…

Just ordered. Don’t feel too hungry right now and I thought about branching out into some special toppings, but I only have $20 cash in my apartment and I’d have to walk three blocks to the bank in 91 degrees to get more money. Plus why would I get delivery if I were in the mood to walk three blocks.

Gonna share this one with Jillian. I guess I should update the website so I can share the pizza without feeling guilty.

I just converted the site from Sinatra to Rails and I’m gonna do a big update soon. Gonna be dope. Thinking of taking away the $12 option.

Jillian is here now but the pizza is not :( kill me.

Geeze I’m editing posts right now and this one is not very entertaining.

#2. Alex Godin

Well this is another person I know so let’s consider this website “in stealth mode.” If nothing else though, getting your friends to buy you pizza for no reason is pretty cool. I think Alex just wants to see me make another pizza-eating time-lapse.

Alex is the proud first customer to click through and (maybe) read all my text. I know this because he bought me the discount $12 pizza, which is only available after clicking every link on this page. I kept a very short diary while waiting for the pizza:

  • Just ordered my pizza while walking home from work. I feel so on-the-go, so New York, so multitask. I only live three blocks from work though.
  • Ordered the same thing from the same place, but extra cheese this time. We’ll see how it compares.
  • I think I wanna try stacking slices together to see if I can down the whole pizza without realizing how full I am. It will hurt but I have confidence.
  • This website makes “evening alone eating pizza” feel like an event… Is that a bad thing?
  • Good lord it came. One dollar extra for the extra cheese. Took exactly 45 minutes.
  • Maybe extra cheese is a bad call. The pizza is extra greasy. These people are professionals and know the correct balance of cheese and sauce — me coming in and telling them to add more or less of something is a slap in the face. I learned this from Jiro Dreams of Sushi and it’s been reinforced by NYC pizza.

I learned my lesson and will not order extra cheese again. I can feel the pizza inside me when I move. Do you think jaw movement contributes to how full you feel? If I swallowed the pizza whole, would I feel less full?

For this timelapse I mounted my camera inside a pair of binoculars and perched them on my bookcase — came out so much better than the close-up video I did for Stephen. Sorry Stephen.

Alex received an email with proof of purchase, the full time-lapse video, and a bonus photo of me gurning from a few nights ago. This could be you bae but you tripping’.

#1. Stephen Niday

Wowowowow I actually got someone to buy me pizza, just because I put a buy button on a website! Ok well it doesn’t count like 100% because I know Stephen and we work together, but it’s still a free pizza… Stephen I hope you didn’t expense this lol.

Stephen Niday. The first order. The Zeus to my pizza tree, the Cronus to my Zeus. Father of all future orders. First inductee to the hall of fame (yeah I looked up those Greek gods on wiki just now.) I kept a short diary while I waited for your pizza to arrive from Pauline and Sharon’s:

  • I just ordered the pizza and the dude on the phone didn’t even say how long it would take! I am very hungry. There’s a cliff bar on my kitchen counter and I’m currently staring at it while typing on my phone. I guess a delivery estimate is a total guess anyways, maybe it’s best to leave it a mystery.
  • 20 minutes gone now. It will probably be an hour. What will life be like 40 minutes from now? Not good.
  • I can make chocolate milk for myself and use my own ranch on the pizza. I have a good pizza setup here. I’m passing the time thinking about how I will eat the pizza.
  • Holy shit it’s not even 9pm and the pizza is here! That’s less than 30 minutes!
  • Turns out that delivery pizza (over the phone and paid in cash) is just $13 for a 14”. They don’t have that price posted anywhere — it’s like a secret cash discount. I tipped the guy $3 which puts me $1 in the hole. I’m now 35% of the way towards paying off this domain in pizza.

I couldn’t finish it all. I heated up and ate the remaining two slices two days later, which means I ate the whole thing myself! Starting to question whether that’s a good policy though.

I sent Stephen the full time-lapse video, proof of purchase, and a bonus picture of one of my plants. I have an oxalis that I bought a few months ago and it’s growing like crazzzzyyyy! Got shoots coming out of the soil like a foot high. I read on some gardening blogs that these plants die down annually and I’m gonna be really sad if all these bomb shoots die.